WTF Is Goin On Around Here?!?!

To Do List:

Remove progress bars from blog ...... check
Rip up and burn every word written on both idle (former current) WIP's so as to remove all evidence of such horrid writing......... check
Take slow, deep breaths
Remind self that giving up is not an option
Repeat following lines until you have convinced yourself: I can be a writer, I can be a writer, I can be a writer, I can be a writer

...
Um yeah, sorry about that but I had to do it. It's been a weird couple of months to be sure. I haven't had a whole lot of time for writing and it's become very frustrating. There are multiple reasons for this, but the main one would be that even when I do get the chance to write, it's nothing but junk. Oh and I really mean uberjunk!! Like a grade school child is trying to write a novel, that's what it ends up like. That's even worse than normal for me. I can generally make it seem like I am mildly intelligent with good ideas, someone who needs help here and there with their writing, but still has potential. Not so much lately though. I spent some time today editing the little bit of work that I have been able to do on my Fantasy WIP, a big mistake as anyone who knows me will tell you (I don't self edit, I murder my work. If I don't pass it along to someone else to do that job, it all goes in the trash.) So when I started I was expecting the usual battle of whether or not to trash every single word I've written, save a few witty remarks here and there, but there was no battle this time. I hung my head in defeat and said goodbye to possibly the worst writing I have ever done in my life.

When I first started on that particular story I was writing between 2k and 7k a day. Over the past few months I haven't even written 3k. Freaking ridiculous! I love the story idea and I have lots of scenes in my head, but they are just not coming together properly when I try and put them down on paper. And yes, that is exactly what I do. First draft is always longhand. I just write better that way... well, normally I write better that way. In this case I have even tried doing the first draft on my trusty laptop, but to no avail. The biggest problem is that I don't really get to devote the amount of time I want to the story. A few minutes here and there just isn't going to cut it for me. Thank goodness for my notebook cus I'd be in a big ole mess without it. There I can jot down the ideas when I can't get them into the story and go back to them later. Sort of anyway.

I'm also experiencing the issue of not only that story idea floating around in my head, but yet another one that's screaming to be let out. Of course it's another Fantasy one, but it's a bit different than what I would normally do. Generally I keep my character list light, but for this one I'm thinking it should involve a whole group of people. Not really sure on the number yet because every time I think I've completed the circle so to speak, another one pops up that fits right in. Oh and usually I have female MC's, but not this time. I am seriously infatuated with one particular guy in my head right now. I'd love to get him down on paper and see how he turns out because for me they never turn out the way I originally intend them to. I don't know how many times I've said it, but the story goes where it wants and all I do is follow along like I know what's going on. I'm ok with that though. As far as I'm concerned that's the way it should be. Let it do what it will and never mind what you think or want. 'Cus it's not about you. It's about these people, or just person, that you're letting come through you. I've never had control over any of my stories and nor would I want to. I tried to force a story into a different direction than what it seemed to be going one time. That didn't turn out well at all. Suffice it to say that one was never even see by anyone else, that's how badly I jacked it up. But I learned my lesson long ago not to mess with a good thing.

And this story in my head seems like such a good thing. It seems so wasteful to me to just let it roam around up there, or rather scream around because that's what it's doing, and not let it out at least a little at a time. I'm only afraid that if I do it a little at a time I'll lose something of the story that makes it so special. I have a thing about writing when I get the chance to do it. I want to do it nonstop. I want to sit in a comfortable spot and write until my hand is cramped and then write even more. I want to be able to spend all night long just whipping out words on what these people are about to go through and how they come out of it in the end. I want to...but I can't. School alone can keep me busy enough on most days that by the time I sit down to write I feel like my brain is nothing but a pile of mush sloppin around in my skull. I mean, I know that right at this moment while I'm typing this I could instead be writing my story, but I'm not in the right frame of mind at the moment. Everything is too jumbled and chaotic at this hour of the night and I know what kind of things I write when that's the case. *shudders* No, I'll save it for when I put a coherent thought or two down without being sidetracked five seconds later by another one that's equally interesting to me. Sometimes I'm just too easily distracted, that's all there is to it. :)

So, ok, now that I've rambled and vented a bit it's time to see what I can make of this group of chosen few on earth who possess these strange and unknown powers. ;-)


P.S.
*kicks self for going so long without even writing so much as a blog post*